Saturday, 6 April 2013

Doesn't time fly ...

The last two weeks have really flown by and I can't believe it is nearly time for me to return to work.  It's been a busy couple of weeks but mostly to do with packing up the house ready for the move.
I did go to Wales to see Keri (my niece) and her three children. I hadn't seen them for ages and I had loads of cuddles to cheer me up.  Here they are ....
Boy (11 months old) is now walking and
chattering away to himself.

Boo will be 3 in July.  She is such a 
delight - you can see she is full of
mischief, can't you?

Bean will be 13 later this month.  He's a great kid who
wants to be a marine biologist when he leaves school -
well, that's the plan this week!

I had a very lazy Easter, just stayed in and read a couple of books. I think it did me good and I don't feel anywhere near as tired any more.  Since then I've been sorting and packing lots of boxes.  I don't really feel that I'm getting anywhere fast but I think I will get it all done on time.  I've got plenty of help from friends and family so I'm not on my own in doing it, but Ced was a hoarder so there is loads and loads of stuff to be sold, donated or taken to the skip.

A lot of people have been asking how I'm feeling, so here goes - I'm sort of taking it one day at a time.  I have so much extra time now that my carer responsibility have ended, that I feel as if I'm rattling about in my own life.  The house sale and the need to get the contents packed away is proving to be very therapeutic as a lot of the hoarded goodies are leaving the house and it is already looking less chaotic. 
Ced was in hospital for so long that I was used to living alone and I'm not really missing his physical presence in the home.  I still seem to be living to the hospital routine and I have this constant feeling that I should be there, and then I remember why I'm not!  Since the funeral I haven't really been crying for him and I was feeling a bit anxious and guilty about it.  I had a chat with my doctor about it this morning and discussed my worries about the lack of tears and he saw it as normal as we were living with the knowledge that the condition was terminal for so long that a lot of my 'moving through the grieving stages' has happened as his condition deteriorated and the lengthy stay in hospital actually started the separation process.  His death was a shock, but it is really the shock that I'm dealing with now, I'm already well down the road of the bereavement process so I'm trying not to worry about the lack of tears - either they will come or they won't but I know that it doesn't mean that I didn't love him ... far from it.  If I'm really honest, I am relieved that Ced is no longer suffering and is at peace.  He was immobile at the end and could only move his head a little.  He was still able to talk but everything had to be done for him and the next stage would have seen him unable to talk or eat and he'd have been fed through a tube.  I'm just so grateful that my prayers were answered and he didn't have to suffer the loss of his ability to communicate. I can't imaging how much he would have suffered if that had happened and I'm so thankful that he didn't have to experience it.
I'm feeling quite positive about the future.  Certain things are going to plan (although a lot sooner than I expected) and this home will be sold within about 6 weeks and I'll be living with my sister and brother in law until my new home is built, probably by October of this year.  I return to work next week and, although I'm still unsure that I want to continue teaching in the long term, it means that I have an income until I can decide what I want to do.  What isn't going to plan is that I don't seem to have the energy or the inclination to do anything to fill that extra time I now have.  The time pressure of the house sale means that I'm making myself pack the boxes, etc., but without that time pressure I don't think I'd be able to make myself do anything at all.  I'm know it is early days, only a few weeks since Ced died, and things will get easier as time passes so I'm trying not to rush that side of things.
My doctor is referring me for physiotherapy on my leg as I've seem to have been left with a weakness following an injury to one of the nerves affecting the main muscles in the thigh.  Luckily the pain has gone but I have to keep my knee locked when walking and am finding it difficult to manage the stairs, hence the need for the correct therapy.
I can't think of anything else to say so I'll finish for now, and anyway, there is a repeat of 'Lewis' on the TV which I want to watch.  I'll try not to leave it so long to my next post!


  1. Thanks for the update, Eileen. Pleased to hear you enjoyed your trip to Wales, the children look like a bundle of fun.
    Hope going back to work isn't too much of a shock to the system.
    Joy xx

  2. Like Joy, pleased to hear you are doing ok and enjoyed seeing the children. You need to give you and your body time to get over everything you have been through and recharge yourself. xxxx