Wednesday
My sister is busy packing for her house move and came across some old family photos which were duly delivered to me last night. I have the task of trying to put names to faces, and then to add the images to the family tree. Luckily I like a challenge!
Yesterday's Advent task was to 'be attentive to others', making eye contact and really listening to what the person is saying. I attempted this during the Zoom catchup with J but ... it needs practice, I think, although online when you can't really see or hear the other person as well as when face to face maybe isn't the best time to try this out! Today's task is to 'give myself a break'! It's all about forgetting Christmas preparations for a while and losing myself in some Me Time! I think I'll excel at this one. 😊
Some 'me time' is just what I need after the last week following a incident with a neighbour which has upset me, and which I don't think is over yet. A few days ago I answered the door to a neighbour who I know slightly, have occasionally passed the time of day with, but we've never had a proper conversation. She asked me if I was going out or was expecting visitors on Christmas Day and when I answered 'no' to both questions she said that she was going to bring a Christmas meal over to me on Christmas Day. Now I have no issues with the principle (although I'd prefer to be asked rather than told) and I like to hear that people are caring for each other in this way but, and it is a huge but, I have food allergies so it is not that simple for me. From her description this meal will include foods I cannot eat at all and other foods cooked in a way that will make me ill so it's a definite no. I thanked her for her generosity, explained about the allergies and said I'd have to decline her offer, at which point her attitude changed completely. No more Mrs Nice but very manipulative, dismissive of food allergies, and verging on aggression and bullying. I don't want to accept food which will just have to be thrown away let alone consider the consequences for me if I eat the wrong foods, but it seems that I am not allowed to say no to her! I eventually managed to end the conversation - her parting shot was that she will still be bringing over a meal! - and realised that I was physically shaking. Her change of attitude and the speed at which it changed actually scared me and I've been ill at ease since it happened. I'm hoping she will have calmed down once she's had time to think about it and will accept my answer so that there won't be a repeat, but I'm not too hopeful ... watch this space!
Oh, dear. I wonder what was behind it - that seems a most odd thing to do in the light of your response and I would also find it highly upsetting. Could you drop a note through the door taking the line that she's very generous but - and then repeat your reasons - and suggest that there are others who would be able to benefit more fully from her generosity .
ReplyDeleteI think that generally, when we live alone, we actually value our independence and don't like it taken away. An offer is fine, but ignoring our right to say no, thank you, is not OK at all, whatever the reason.
((((hugs))))
xx
Her family are no longer visiting at Christmas so she will have food to spare and I don't think she has thought beyond her own problem of what to do with the excess. Making use of her freezer or buying smaller joints of meat doesn't seem to have occurred to her but it really isn't my problem. If she attempts to change my mind between now and the 25th I will do what you suggest and put my refusal in writing.
DeleteOh, Eileen, I am so sorry to hear about the incident with the neighbor! She sounds rather overbearing and over zealous! I think, if she does bring you a plate of food at Christmas, after you've told her you can't accept it because of your food allergies; you have every reason to simply throw the food away; if she chooses to ignore you, you have no obligation to eat any of it! I hope you enjoy you "me time" today and have a lovely, relaxed day.
ReplyDeleteI won't accept any food she may try to give me because I don't want to set a precedent. I've declined her offer and she needs to understand that. I wonder if she has any mental health issues, or possibly is just very self-centred and can only think of the 'problem' in terms of how it affects her.
DeleteHow unpleasant. I would do as Joy suggested, write her a note, thank her for her generosity and reiterate the allergies. You could offer a effects list. I would also tell her that you are only allowed a vegan diet. If she still takes umbrage I would stand firm and bin it if she still brings the meal over. Wonder if she has some mental health issues or likes to control others or maybe she has never done what she would think if as a charitable gesture before. All in all, good luck and try not to think about it too much. Ps I was once offered s free holiday in a villa in Spain by a woman I barely knew. I declined, she kept on and on insisting I should go. I didn't. Found out afterwards, her partner's friend was going, I was meant to be company for him, to give them some couples time! I had never met him. No such thing as a free gift!
ReplyDeleteIf she tries to bring a meal over I will just refuse to take it from her. I've said no and that should be the end of it so from my point of view there will be no more discussion about it. If she tries I'll write a note confirming my decision and speak to her husband as well.
DeleteThat was awful of the woman to invite you to be company for a complete stranger. Just as well you didn't go!
Strange lady! Not the usual sort of thing to happen out of the blue is it?
ReplyDeleteI’d be loathe to answer the door if she did turn up unannounced of Christmas Day, if challenged later I’d be using a migraine for the reason. Not the normal truthful answer I know but there are times when needs must. Hope I haven’t put a jinx on the day by saying that :)
Strange indeed. I'll answer the door if she does turn up but will refuse anything from her and not get into conversation about it.
DeleteI don't think you've jinxed the day ... I'm fairly sure that she will continue to do what suits her will no regard for my wishes!
I chuckled about being attentive to others because I few Zooms I've been on, a few people forget they can be seen & oh the eye rolling that goes on from some, they forget everyone is looking at everyone full on.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if your neighbour has a "must do kindness" list. I would say ignore, do not engage in any way & if food is delivered, hopefully on a non returnable dish, just bin. Engaging with such a person only keeps the conversation going. No is a complete sentence, not the beginning of a debate.
I know what you mean about people fitting they can be seen by others on Zoom. I can be quite amusing.
DeleteI'm sure she thinks she is being kind but once she failed to accept that I declined her offer it stopped being a kindness. I don't intend to accept any food from her as I think it will encourage her to do the same in the future and I don't want this to be a regular occurrence.
The photo project sounds like fun! I love old family photos :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a shame about the neighbor. Some people always know what's best and right and see any contradiction as an attack. I'm happy you felt able to stand on your refusal. I hope she doesn't become even more unpleasantly insistent.
The photo puzzle is the sort of thing I love doing. Most were easy to do but there's a couple that require a bit of investigation.
DeleteI think you've summed it up in your second sentence in that she saw my refusal as a form of attack. I'm hoping she can at least remain civil or ideally, just leave me alone.
Yikes. It was well meaning of your neighbour but she should have accepted your thanks and refusal. It's really disconcerting to have you feel uncomfortable on your own doorstep! I would be like you. I'm a vegetarian and I have to be really careful how food is prepared as little things tend to upset my stomach. I also don't just pick the meat off things either lol.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the way her refusal to accept my answer had put me in the wrong in her eyes, even though the consequences of me eating the wrong things (not that I would) could be very serious. She lives opposite me and I feel this little surge of anxiety every time I go out of the front door. It's a horrible situation to be in.
Delete